Has someone ever said something to you, and your feelings were so hurt that you lashed out before you knew what was happening?
When you react, it's mostly automatic and instinctual. Reactions are driven by your beliefs, biases, and prejudices and they don’t take any consideration of the long-term effect of your words and actions. Reacting means you don’t put that much thought into what you are doing. It's easier than responding because it is purely emotional.
We usually react by mirroring whatever is being said or done to us without thinking. When we feel insulted, we react back with insult when we feel marginalized, we marginalize others. it's not very pleasant.
Our reaction is the impulsive behavior directed by the reptilian brain. Our reptilian brain is mainly responsible for implementing our most basic and primitive functions, such as protecting ourselves from possible threats, defending ourselves, and fleeing to ensure our own survival. This is the primitive part of the brain that works by avoiding harm and making sure you stay alive. Very animalistic. The reptilian brain activates the fight or flight reaction when it feels threatened. It also expresses itself using fear and anger which can harm us socially. It doesn’t mean the reptilian brain is not useful at times, it's just that it needs to be in control.
The most rational and evolved part of our brain is the prefrontal cortex which involves reasoning, and it is the part we use when we respond. Responding involves deliberate choice. It keeps us aligned with our values and makes sure that we always consider the consequences of everything we say and do. This is what happens if we are naturally calm, happy, and healthy. We think through our options clearly and rationally and decide with the conscious intention which is the best path to take and try our best to achieve a mutually beneficial outcome.
Ideally, this is the way we should be handling things on a day-to-day basis. Responding gives you more control over your life.
Reacting disempowers you and puts your emotions in the driver's seat. Have you ever noticed how bad you feel after you said something that just didn’t feel like you at all?
That’s a sign that you reacted without thinking. No matter how much you respond than react your body is always going to have some automatic reaction when it feels threatened. The trick is to learn to know when this happens. Once you are aware of it you can learn to manage it. All it takes is a moment. You can manage to pause before you react even if it's just for a second or two. You will eventually train your mind to think before it acts.
It takes time but with the practice that few seconds of forethought will be stretched to minutes or hours and you can teach your brain to pause even when you are super angry or scared.
The hard part is getting started. When you first try responding it can be difficult because you have just a tiny window of opportunity, a split second in which you have to realize what’s about to happen and override the impulse and consider an alternative to respond all before your automatic reaction kicks in. It can be difficult because this reaction has been carrying itself out for years hardwiring your brain to prefer it doing quickly.
Your reptilian brain just wants to react already to what it is used to and that’s the only way to get what it wants. But if you can master responding I can guarantee you it’s more rewarding than you can guess. All reacting does is to make the situation worse. Responding well to someone has everything to do with taking responsibility for yourself. Right communication with your family, friends, or colleagues is essential to lead a peaceful and happy life. How others respond to what you express is their responsibility. You cannot make anyone feel anything. Often it is our initial reaction that gets us in trouble, it causes the other person or people to also get defensive and react, and then the cycle whirls out of control.
The words we use often are interpreted differently by different people depending on their perceptions. Being able to come to a place of mutual understanding and respect through open and courageous dialogue can resolve a lot of issues.
Mindful awareness allows you to monitor your automatic reactions, so you can stop them before they become destructive. This kind of skill can be developed through daily mindfulness practice because it will get you used to knowing, what it feels like just before you do something you haven’t given much thought to. The best way to practice this is through meditation.
When we resort to reacting rather than responding, it’s usually because we have a lot of pent-up energy, mainly negative energy. When we bottle up those emotions on a regular basis, they eventually build up to the point where an explosion is unavoidable. The easiest solution to this problem is to make sure you have a few socially acceptable ways of releasing tension while it’s still small and manageable. That way you will stay calm enough to respond in a level-headed manner.
Practice pausing: Pausing before you act is the very foundation of responding. Reacting happens in an instant. There’s no room for forethought. So, if you can teach yourself to put that reaction on hold, even if it’s just for a split second, you will be training your brain to stop and think for longer periods in the future. A great way to practice pausing is to always count to 3 before replying to any question, no matter what that question is or who is asking it. The small pause won’t affect the quality of your conversations, but it will give you some time in which to formulate a well-thought-out response before you answer. Maybe instead of counting to 3, simply ask yourself a question. Your brain will automatically take some time to answer that question in your head, giving you the time to respond. So, you might as well make that question part of the exercise. Asking things like “What would the most compassionate response be in this situation?” or “How can I respond in a way that’s in line with my goals for this particular relationship?” will aid you in your quest.
Recognize that you always have a choice: A lot of the time we react when we feel like we don’t have any other option. When we feel as though we’ve lost control over the situation our mind plays tricks on us and tells us the only way to get what we want is to retaliate and throw a tantrum like a two-year-old. But we all know that’s not true. When you think about it with a level head, you’ll realize you always have a choice. No matter what sort of situation you’re in, there is always another way to handle it. And knowing this can empower. When you feel empowered you are more likely to prefer the option with the least possible negative consequences.
Stay present to the situation: When someone says something, you don’t like, take a deep breath before speaking. Before sending a text message, email, or Facebook message. Give yourself time to notice how you’re feeling, how you’re reacting internally before you express it externally to the other person or people involved.
Understand that we are all conditioned differently: Appreciate that everyone is different and unique. The experiences we have and the way we interpret these experiences, form our beliefs and our attitudes, and our biases tend to be different for everyone. So, the next time someone says something that you totally disagree with, and you find yourself feeling hurt and uncomfortable, remind yourself this person is only expressing his/her point of view which is different than mine and I accept it. Instead of saying anything back harsh, just say, oh! This is an interesting point of view, but I don’t see it that way.
Wishing you all a life full of happiness, laughter, and joy.
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