Destruction from within:
Failure is part of our journey to success. However, being aware of our failures is very important to avoid similar mistakes in the future. Have you ever noticed that in some situations, when success seems imminent, you do something that could or does ruin your own success. In these situations, you come in the way of your own intentions to be realized. This very self-defeating behaviour is called self-sabotage where you tend to halt your own personal development. The thing about self-sabotage is that it doesn’t just limit our success, it destroys our happiness. It takes away the opportunity for us to fully enjoy our life.
We self-sabotage because we have some negative perceptions about ourselves. These negative perceptions are rooted in our subconscious as beliefs, perhaps since our childhood, and get triggered with certain stimuli in current situations.
Our thoughts lead to our actions and all actions begin in our mind. If we are not careful, our mind can lead to unpleasant outcomes; self-sabotaging behaviour also begins in our mind. It’s vital to realize that our mindset affects everything we do, how we perceive our life and our happiness.
There are countless ways we sabotage ourselves but as per psychology today procrastination, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, overeating from stress and interpersonal conflict are among the most widely used and recognizable. Self-sabotage isn’t always obvious and it can be difficult to recognize. If these actions are left unchecked, they can become a habit further leading our own destruction from within.
Nonetheless, we can overcome these challenges and self-sabotaging behaviours.
As humans we are not perfect and we all have flaws. The idea is not to become perfect beings but to better ourselves through working from within and improving our thoughts, actions and behaviour ultimately leading to better outcomes and better lives.
There can be a number of reasons for self-sabotage. Below are some of the common reasons for self-sabotage and some guidance on overcoming these reasons. Some of these reasons may not apply to you, the idea is to dive within yourself, and identify why you are sabotaging yourself and apply similar guidance to your own reasons.
Feeling you are not enough:
This is a negative perception of your-self. Your perception is your own truth about yourself based on your beliefs and values. You need to realize that these are just perceptions, and that no one is superior or inferior. Once you develop an understanding of this concept you will realize that you have everything within you to be successful in any area of your life. You have value and you are loved just because you exist.
Feeling of not deserving:
If you feel undeserving of success or happiness you will not allow happiness and success come to you. Having a low sense of self-worth can be one of the main causes of self-sabotage. We all take actions based on our beliefs and values and if your beliefs and values contradict with the success or happiness you are seeking, you may never reach your goal. Procrastination or perfectionism can also creep in. You deserve the absolute best life you can live! You deserve to thrive. I need you to understand this and you are worth more than you can ever fathom, I’m sure of it.
You remain status-quo:
Our brains tend to be wired to cling to the familiar, to overestimate risk, and to avoid trying new approaches. We fear change. Do you ever feel overlooked, mistreated, or exploited, yet you strangely stay put in that position. We remain stationary in these situations because we prefer the familiar to unknown. We fear change. However, while we may be comfortable it doesn’t mean we are happy with the outcome. Only way out is to surrender to the unknown, develop courage to change and have trust in the divine. I personally do a short prayer asking Universe/God to bestow on me the desire, courage and strength to follow my path of change.
You seek attention melodramatically:
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves just to play the major role in the drama of life (drama queen/drama king). You criticize about all of the people around, you tend to be controlling, you cry when you don't get your way and you lie and make up stories so you can always appear right.
We get so comfortable in certain ways of our behaviour that we repeatedly sabotage ourselves without realizing and we ruin our relationships. The only way to stop being a drama queen/king is to become self-aware enough to know when you're the one causing the drama. Most of the times it is lack of self-esteem that brings you into this role so become self-aware enough to know when you're the one causing the drama. Pay attention to what you are doing. Before you make decisions, think about the benefits or disadvantages it can cause you. Stop playing as a victim and change your perspective and attitude. Pivot your thoughts the moment you see them steering in a direction which can harm you.
Seeking approval from others:
When we lack self-worth and we’re self-critical, we tend to seek validation from others. You may feel lack of self-confidence and feel worthless until others approve of you. The key to your success and happiness is in the hands of others. Your self-image is based on others opinion of you and if they do not approve of you, you fail to realize and express your positive attributes. You need to become aware of this behaviour and try to pin point the reason for this behaviour, it generally comes back to having low sense of self-worth and not trusting yourself. Realizing and admitting is the first step to overcoming this behaviour. Stop worrying about what people think of you and slowly build confidence in your own abilities by eliminating self-doubt.
Fear of judgement:
Sometimes we tend to stay in our own shell. We feel vulnerable and stay hidden from the world. We fear we will be judged. So we give ourselves a false image in accordance with the environment we live-in. We are no longer true to ourselves hence we sabotage our happiness. Do not accept others opinion of you to limit you. Be aware of your inner critic and do not allow others to define you. Know your own strengths and weaknesses and work through them confidently.
Fear of success:
Although consciously we all want to succeed and feel happy, our subconscious mind may have formed some faulty assumptions or associations around what success means to it and those associations could create invisible ceilings or limitations to achieving success. For example, you fear your friends will be jealous of you. It could be that once you are successful your existing friends may reject you and you may lose friends. That you will feel guilty, that you will be criticized. (Popular notion, to succeed you have to be dishonest and manipulate ways). You have to learn to reshuffle your priorities and new ways of thinking of your choices. You need to let go of the mistaken beliefs.
Fear of intimacy and rejection:
This fear of physical and/or emotional intimacy tends to show up in our closest and most meaningful relationships. In truth the real resistance to intimacy often doesn’t come from the acts of our partners, but from within us. The problem is that the positive way our partner sees us often conflicts with the negative ways we view ourselves. Sadly, we hold on to our negative self-image and stay resistant to being seen differently. Subconsciously, we build up resistance to be loved. Intimacy is the act of sharing vulnerability and close physical and emotional ties with another person. To truly share your rawest, purest ideas and emotions with another person requires bravery and a willingness to accept difference of opinion of your world view and beliefs.
Having trust issues:
Trust is an expectation that someone will act taking into account your feelings, wishes, and best interests. A breach of trust occurs when someone acts in a way that pays no heed to your feelings, wishes, or best interests. For example, you see a photo of two of your best friends together in a social event, and your mind instantly starts to make up stories as to why you weren’t invited - Do they not like me? Do they only pretend to be my friends? Do they use me when it suits them? And so, even if there are absolutely no underlying motives for them to meet without you, you now sincerely believe otherwise. Your trust in those friends is eroded and you may end up loosing your friends. It may take years to build trust but it can be gone instantly. We were born to love and trust and not to fear. The fear is created from the stories in our minds. Be vigilant of your thoughts and choose to ignore the stories that keep you fearful and not trusting.
Avoidance of your responsibilities:
Some self-sabotaging behaviors come directly from being lazy. We self-sabotage by avoiding our responsibilities. It takes effort to succeed and reach your goals. It takes effort to work on your physical/mental/emotional health and happiness. Is this effort worth it? Yes. Is everyone willing to put in the work? No. You need to change your mindset when it comes to avoiding your responsibilities. To enjoy the fruit of success be willing to work on your inner game.
Playing the blame game:
Fixing blame is easier than fixing your-self. Self-sabotage thrives in blame games. Not only does blame see fault in other people on their successes, it hinders your ability to grow. Blame helps you preserve your limited self-image by avoiding awareness of your own flaws or failures. It is a destructive conflict resolution tool and brings toxicity in personal and business relations. To be a better version of ourselves not only we need to understand our limiting behaviours but also the faulty beliefs we have in place.
My wish for you is to be successful and happy throughout your life. Doing the inner work is most important to use our full potential and be successful in all areas of our life.
Please comment below and let me know how this post helped you.
Thank you!
Urmil
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